Disclaimer: This review is in no way scientific or factual. This is merely my stream of consciousness throughout the fashion show, and that stream isn’t entirely fluid, because girls in bras prancing down a runway. If you can handle that, continue on.
First Segment – British Invasion
The fact that they opened up with Fall Out Boy really made my heart happy. The fact that Candice was the first model on the runway completely stole my attention from that. Girl was killin’ the SHIT out of the Fantasy Bra for this year. As this segment goes on, I could care less about who’s wearing what – except for the girl with the weird plaid punk-rock wings, and the one in the body suit with the leopard bra. The second girl was not punk rock enough for that outfit at all. But, overall, I wasn’t too disappointed. Also, Taylor Swift didn’t suck when she started singing along with FOB, so that was nice. By the end of this segment, I was still drooling over Candice, so I didn’t really care about anything else that was going on. Sorry not sorry, girl is flawless.
Second Segment – Shipwrecked
My notes on this say “I have no fucking clue who’s singing right now, but these girls are so distracting IDGAF”. My notes on this were so very accurate. When you pair beautiful lingerie with flowing fabrics, there’s something so…romantic about it. I don’t know why. They didn’t really look shipwrecked at all, but they were partially-to-mostly naked, so I wasn’t complaining. Also, the “Get to Know the Models” segment that followed, about the girls being stuck on an island, made me laugh. I believe it was Adriana who said the one thing she’d bring to a desert island would be a knife. She would survive on that island, and would probably have to eat her fellow models for sustenance and absorb their power. But hey, that’s okay – she’s the one who was smart enough to bring a damn knife. Bitches gots to learn.
(Another point I had on the “Get to Know the Models” segments – I don’t like them. It’s not like I can date these girls, and I’m unsure as to why VS is trying to make the models seem like real people. They’re models. They go on all-liquid diets the month before this show. THEY AREN’T REAL PEOPLE.)
Third Segment – Birds of Paradise.
Guys. What, what, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I get that you’re trying to be super cool and play with feathers and stuff – but half of these feathered concoctions are so confusing, they distract from the bra. Tucker, sweet baby angel that he is, was wondering why it was such a big deal that a girl tweaked her ankle before last year’s show in her high heels. No, babe – girl probably broke her foot, because her wings weighed about 30lbs, and she’s wearing sky-high heels, and she weighs about 115lbs herself. It baffles me that men don’t understand that high heels SUCK. We don’t wear them for comfort, assholes. ANYWAYS – the girls in this segment were rockin’ it, barring the crazy feathers. The third model out on the runway was giving me some serious eyes, and I was unsure whether or not to be into it – the “not” half of that was because, ya know, it was filmed two weeks ago and she wasn’t giving ME eyes, specifically. But, it could still totally happen. Holding out hope.
Fourth Segment – PINK
Whenever Pink does their segment, literally everyone rolls their eyes. I understand that this line is for younger women, and that it’s all about having fun and being young. But the fashion of it literally makes NO SENSE. I could deal with the feathers, but come on – a giant smiley face balloon as a pair of wings?! VS YOU ARE LETTING ME DOWN SO HARD. Throughout this segment, I was confused as to who the band was – Tucker said that it seemed like an underground hipster garage band – and I wasn’t distracted enough by the girls to enjoy it. However, that one girl with the body paint could aaaabsolutely get it. If she ever reads this…she should hit me up. Find me on Twitter and we’ll talk, babe. The only one who really aggravated me in this segment was Cara, with her stupid yellow dishwasher gloves. She’s prancin’ down the runway like she’s hot shit, and I just can’t get behind it. She’s wearing dishwasher gloves, and her eyebrows are too distracting. No thank you.
Fifth Segment – Snow Angels
Disclaimer: I hate Taylor Swift. She annoys the ever-living shit out of me. If you can tolerate my opinion on that and continue reading, that’s awesome. If not, STOP HERE.
Alright. The minute I heard the opening chords to “Trouble”, I started screaming. Taylor, we get it. You knew he was trouble when he walked in. SHUT. UP. I am SO SICK of that damn song. I was so mad that I wasn’t paying attention to the lovely ladies. But once I did, it was great. These girls are all killin’ it, with their wings and all the white lingerie, and then – WHY IS TAYLOR SWIFT WALKING DOWN THE RUNWAY. TAYLOR YOU ARE NOT IN LINGERIE. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE VS MODEL BOOBS. STOP WALKING DOWN THE RUNWAY. (This pissed me off last year, too, when Rihanna did the SAME THING.) Candice was my flower queen in that gorgeous outfit…ugh, I love her. And then Karlie Kloss, KILLING that body suit…Tucker is just as obsessed with Karlie as I am with Candice, and he successfully argued to me that Karlie, while she may not be as bangin’ as Candice, is probably the most real girl on the runway. I’ve got to agree – she seems like a normal human being. Barring the whole liquid diet thing.
And as the show draws to an end, and TSwift stops singing, the models come down to the end of the runway, and they all smile and wave and lord, am I thankful. The VS Fashion Show for this year has been a success, the girls were killin’ it all night, and TSwift has stopped singing. Now, we wait in hope that next year’s show will hopefully have a better Pink segment, and that they’ll get someone like Ke$ha to perform. No need to thank me if you use that idea, VS. However, if you do want to thank me, I wear a 34B and a size small in underwear.
The Lesbian Perspective 