Dear Straight Girls

Dear Straight Girls,

It’s about time I wrote you all this letter. And believe me, it’s been a long time coming. First, let me preface with this small statement – I think you all are fantastic human beings, and in no way judge you for the stupid things you say. (Well, that’s not entirely true – if you stick your foot so far in your mouth it pops out your behind, I’ll judge you for that.) However, ladies, it’s time to let you know – I’m not really that into you.

Please, don’t be upset. There’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent this. I just don’t find you that attractive. However, this isn’t a knock at your beauty. You all are definitely gorgeous, and funny, and especially amazing people to be around. I’m just put off a bit by the fact that you like penis in and around your body. It’s kind of a turn off for me. Barring that, you’re a lovely bunch of individuals. 

In my telling you that I was gay, it was not a secret attempt to find out if you were into me. Dear, if I’m coming out to you, it’s not about you – it’s purely selfish, in the sense that I don’t want you to freak the fuck out if I start bringing a special lady around to hang. If you have to ask if I’m “into you like that”, you can answer the question yourself – I’m definitely not.

I promise that I truly only like you as a friend. And that one time we made out when you were drunk – it was literally because you were drunk, and I’m not gonna say no to free kisses from pretty girls. However, for future reference, please watch the teeth. A little nibble now and then is okay, but trying to gnaw my lip off isn’t cute. Oh, and please don’t let your boyfriend get any ideas. I want nothing to do with any dirty ideas he may get, especially if he starts suggesting a threesome. I literally want nothing to do with anyone’s penis. Never. Again.

I don’t really want to make things awkward between us. You’re all super awesome. I just get weird every time I try to compliment you. I wish I didn’t have to preface it with “No homo, but…”. Your straight friends tell you that you look totally fuck-able in that one outfit – if they’re right, I’ll definitely agree. Think of it as a compliment, really – if the lesbian thinks you look bangin’, she’s definitely telling the truth!

So, I hope that this clears the air between us. I get that things might be different between us now, but please know this: I love you just the same, no matter what your sexual preference is. Okay lil’ guy? Let’s not let this come between us. I’m still the same girl that you bonded with over Criminal Minds and your love of dressing well. I just happen to like vagina. That’s literally the only difference.

Love you, always

Jayanne

P.S. If we’re gonna talk about your sex life and your boy drama, please let me get a couple stories in edgewise. I can only handle so many boy stories before my eyes start to glaze over and I think of my happy place. Thanks!