I have always been a feminine woman. As a child, I longed for a castle in the clouds, and a chariot drawn by unicorns to take me to school. (Instead, I had my dad’s stinky bait truck…still waiting on an upgrade.) I loved any and all excuses to dress up – went to prom three times in high school, and loved every second of it – and as time has gone on, my make-up collection has grown to weigh about the same as a small child. You may find it excessive. I think it’s normal.
However, there have been times when I’ve found it easier to blend in rather than stand out. I’d rock sweats and glasses instead of heels and a skirt. I would hide myself beneath layers of clothing, sheathing myself in comfort to avoid everything life wanted to throw at me. And honestly, those days are always necessary, and for me, those days were a constant. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, because I didn’t like what I saw. Whether that was due to my own thoughts, or the thoughts of my peers…well that really depended on the day.
I, as a femme lesbian, face a bit of a struggle. Sure, it might not be the biggest struggle in the world, but it’s a pain in the ass. If and when I dress up, I lose my identity as a lesbian, and become the stuff that boy’s wet dreams are made of. That is not my intention when I dress to the nines – I’m dressing up for myself, as I think I look damn sexy, and I’m also dressing up in the hopes of attracting a gorgeous woman’s attention. But no, now I’m blending in in all the wrong ways. This is one of my biggest pet peeves, as I shouldn’t have to loathe the thing that once made me happiest. I should be able to embrace my femininity, in whatever way I choose.
In coming to “real” college, I was starting to lose touch with my femininity. My make-up went untouched, more days than not. Jeans and t-shirts were my daily wardrobe, and I’d throw on a SnapBack so I wouldn’t have to style my hair. I had given up on my femininity.
And then, I joined my sorority.
The minute I received my bid, it was like I was bitten by some bug. I was thoroughly frustrated that I couldn’t wear make-up to my bid night. I was wondering when I’d be able to make something crafty, and when I’d be able to make a plaque for my big. I didn’t even have a big at this point. I was dreaming of making my own letters (crafty bitches conserve), and whether or not my life would be covered in glitter. Fun fact – it is.
In meeting the women who have become my sisters, I met women who represented many aspects of myself. Some, like my big, represent the conscientious, loving, respectable woman I hope to be once I reach maturity – lord knows I won’t be there soon enough. Others represent the woman I want to be in this moment – someone fun-loving, who is caring and kind, yet is a woman who refuses to take any shit. In finding my home within this sorority, I began to re-embrace my femininity. I had a reason to go out and get dressed up, and I was having /fun/ again. On that, I wasn’t scared to do so. I finally felt like myself, after so many years of not knowing who I was.
A part of my sorority’s symphony states that any member should be “womanly always, and discouraged never”. This is my favorite part, as it seems to embody my journey in this sorority. I will no longer be afraid of my femininity. I will embrace it, and wrap myself up in it, displaying it proudly. I refuse to let any grabby, sweaty boy dissuade me from wearing my favorite skirt and heels. I will wear my make-up as my war paint, and charge into battle every day. However, I will not be afraid to accept that there will be some days when I need to rock a good pair of sweats. I will be strong and proud of the woman I am, and will be moving ever towards the woman I will mature into. I will glitter, and be gay, and love every damn second of it.
The Lesbian Perspective 