True Life: I Don’t Get the Dating Game.

Our generation is obsessed with games. Whether it’s Madden, Call of Duty, Pokemon, or even Candy Crush – you will hear one person talking about one game or another. Maybe it’s our desire to compete. Maybe it’s an everlasting thirst for success. And really, who doesn’t like winning? All I know is, I can’t stop hearing about the games people love to play. Some of them, I understand. There’s points and a method of winning. Others baffle me entirely. And then there’s some that I just think are entirely stupid. For example – the dating game.

I have never been one for the dating game. Then again, I might be oblivious to the rules. I have no idea how to flirt, usually – there are times when I’m being blatant and aggressive though, and there are also times where I flirt without knowing it. The latter is probably the worst thing ever, because it usually happens with straight boys and it’s really not them I’m disinterested in, it’s just their penis. But yeah, flirting is hard. I also have a hard time understanding whether someone is interested in me or not. It usually takes at least 3 other people’s opinions before I’m like “Oh, that was flirting! Okay!” I’m also really good at embarrassing myself in front of a girl I like, and once that happens, well…it’s really all downhill from there.

Sometimes, you get tangled up in that “you talk first” game. You know the one – you want to talk to this girl, but you want her to text you first, so you know that she’s into you. When you’re playing this game as a lesbian, you’re into some dangerous territory. She could be playing the same game on the other side of the phone line. Or, she could just be disinterested. It’s a really tough gamble, but someone has to take the plunge eventually. Or you’ll just stop talking all-together, because no one initiated conversation. That shit is entirely annoying. If you want to talk to me, fucking talk to me. If you don’t, then don’t! It’s too simple, really. I don’t understand why other people don’t work this way. It especially confuses me after someone else is the one who initiated things, and once I’ve come to my senses…she’s ignoring me. Like…what? Okay. Thank you for that whiplash.

Then, there’s that whole “playing hard to get” bullshit. What the hell is that? I understand the concept of wanting what you can’t have. Really, I do. But I’m almost 21 years old. I’m a grown woman, god damnit. I do not have the time to waste on you pretending you’re disinterested just to get in my pants. Literally, all you have to do is say “You can have me naked if you want” and I will gladly get you naked. What is so hard about that? Why is it so difficult for people to be straight forward? Am I the only one who has zero patience when it comes to this shit? I mean, really – if you’re trying to get down to business, and you’re pretty sure the other person wants it too, you should just go for it. There’s no sense in beating around the bush. That’s a waste of everyone’s time, and at this point in life, you shouldn’t be doing that. You should be seizing every opportunity that life throws at you. 

Obviously, there can be issues with communicating interest. You don’t want to be the first person to say something, whether it’s “Hey I’m into you” or “Yeah, no, I’m not feeling it”. Or, you could be an asshole and say nothing at all. Nobody likes rejection – that shit is painful and hard to deal with. But, at the same time, you need to think logically. There are approximately 7 billion people on this planet, right? But like…the solar system does not revolve around this one person. Yeah, being told “no” is one of the worst feelings. But a simple “no” from one person can open the door to dozens of other people. You just need to keep your eyes open and keep moving forward.

Of course, there comes a time when many a lesser mortal loses patience and just gives up. While I try not to have that outlook, it happens. It usually occurs after one too many ignored texts, or being told “no” when I ask to hang, more often than being told “yes”. It’s disheartening, because maybe you got a little too attached. Maybe when she said to make her something, you actually did, and you’re sad she’ll never come over to get it. Maybe you put it all out there, and she just ignored your text until three days later. When it comes down to it, you can’t force your feelings onto someone else. The only actions you have control over are your own. Maybe they were truly disinterested, and they played you a little too hard. If that’s the case, that bitch can go screw.

Maybe I’m one of those weird girls who is too blunt. One of those girls who wears her heart on her sleeve, and speaks her mind far too often to keep others comfortable. Maybe it’d just be easier to play the game, and then maybe I’d find someone worthwhile. But fuck that shit. I don’t have time to pretend to be someone I’m not. I hate waiting for someone to text me first when all I want to do is talk to them. So I’ll talk to them, and then feel like an asshole when the conversation is painfully staggered or if they ignore me. If I think a girl is beautiful, I’ll let her know. If I want to sleep with her, I’ll let her know – at a socially acceptable point. If I want to kiss someone, I’ll get their consent first, and hopefully I won’t lose my heart to their lips. 

I hate the feeling I get when all evidence points to someone losing interest in me. Was I a bad kisser? Do I smell? Am I unappealing? Did I say something wrong? These questions plague me more frequently than I’d like. But I have evidence to the contrary. I have been told by many that I’m appealing, and beautiful, and sensational. I’ve been told I’m well-spoken, and hilariously funny, and that my realness is refreshing and that there should be more women like me. I take this evidence, and I look back at the questions, and I realize that I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Whether a girl has a killer smile, the most kissable lips, or the most enchanting gaze – she’s gonna play the game if you want her to or not. All I can do is advertise that I’m not down for games. I’m here for something simple, and something real. I don’t need to stress out over when it’s appropriate to text you, or whether or not I shouldn’t call you gorgeous when I think you are. I’ll be real with you, and do the same for me. In fact, if you ask, I’ll be real with you right now. It only takes 20 seconds of insane courage to accomplish something amazing.

An Open Letter to Bullies.

Hey there, assholes.

So, you and I have never, ever, ever gotten along. From Pre-K through high school, you were the bane of my existence. You crippled me into a shell of a human being, made me hate every single day I had to see your face, so much so that I’d stop going to school just to avoid you. I figured that at some point, I would find a place where I belonged. A safe space, where no one would treat me as anything less than human. I longed to feel accepted and wanted, after constantly being denied that. Whether it was someone passing around a petition trying to get me booted from my hometown’s school system, or one of my “best friends” saying that everyone moved on without me while I was in an abusive relationship and I should stop trying to be their friend, I just couldn’t win.

By the time I was set to graduate high school, I figured I’d be done with you forever. I thought that the bullying stopped once I crossed the podium. Fun fact – it didn’t. The summer after graduation was one of the worst transition periods of my life. I was a mess, and not a single one of you cared. You just kept going. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed as time went on. Because really, at that point, nothing made me happier than to hear that the people who I thought were my friends were actually the ones talking about me behind my back. For fun. 

So, I hid away for a couple of years, did my solo time at community college, and cut off ties with about 75% of my high school’s population. I did everything I could to distract myself from the real world, knowing that once I’d done my time, I would find the place where I belonged. Once I finally figured out how gay I really was and got to “real” college, I thought things would change. This is the land of adults, right? This is a place where it’s a safe space for everybody, and there’s a super inclusive LGBTQ community, and I’d fit right in! It didn’t matter that I’d just been through the worst break up of my life! 

Again, I was wrong.

These past few months at university have been enlightening, to say the least. I thought that college was about growing, and finding yourself, and accepting others for who they are along the way. I branched out and found my own group of friends, and finally figured out what it felt like to be appreciated. I’m in a sorority for christ’s sake, and I only had two female friends in high school because girls didn’t like me. I thought things had turned around. I didn’t realize that, at “real” college, friendship was as conditional as it was in high school. I was mistaken in thinking that you could hide from the pain that a second abusive relationship could cause you. Instead, you get barred from “inclusive safe spaces” and are abandoned by friends who said from the get-go “You need friends here, and I’m gonna be that friend for you!” I didn’t think I’d have to deal with strangers saying I’m ruining their lives (when I don’t even know who they are), and random people stealing my favorite articles of clothing just to hurt me.

I came to this school hoping for a fresh start. Yes, I probably came here for the wrong reasons, but in coming here, I have developed some of the best relationships of my life. I have met people who have impacted me more deeply, and have given me amazing support – support I didn’t think other people were capable of giving. I have finally found a group of people who I love and cherish as if they were my family – and I am sitting here today, questioning whether or not I should give it all up, because of you.

I don’t understand why you do the cruel things you do. I didn’t understand it in kindergarten when you wouldn’t play with me. I didn’t understand it in second grade when you pushed me so hard into a desk I got the wind knocked out of me. I didn’t understand it when you threw a football at my face because you thought it was ugly, or when you asked me out on a dare and then told me no one would be stupid enough to date me, or when you called me a slut for losing my virginity far too early, or when you’d talk about me at cast parties after I’d left. I couldn’t wrap my head around any of it then. I still can’t, to this day, while I sit here crying over the loss of my favorite sweatshirt that my sister gave to me.

I never asked for a single thing that you’ve done to me. Realistically speaking, I just want you to leave me alone. All you’ve done is filled my life with stress, and drama, and mental illnesses, and the constant feeling that I’ll never be good enough. You are the reason why I never believe a single person when they tell me I’m beautiful, or talented, or smart, or funny. You are the reason why I would rather spend my days in bed, because I don’t want to run the risk of running into you and having yet another panic attack over your presence. 

I am done with the pain. I am done with the heartbreak. I am done with the anxiety, the depression, and the dysmorphia you have caused me. I am so sick and tired of the power you think you hold over me, when really, you’re just a cruel, bitter child. There is no point in holding others down, and yet you insist on doing so even now, when we’re supposed to be turning into the adults that society needs us to be. How dare you think you’re better than I am, when we are nothing more than a combination of elements with cognitive thought processes. We are built of the same things. So climb off your high horse, pull your head out of your ass, and realize that this elitist bullshit is the reason why we have a 1% in this country. This bullshit is the reason why people are constantly scared to do anything outside of their comfort zone. 

Please, for the love of all that is good – stop. It is time to let go of whatever bullshit superiority complex you’re holding onto, and accept the fact that you can’t treat people this way. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone – you just can’t treat everyone like shit as well. Learn politeness. Learn that your actions have consequences. Learn that you aren’t always right. Lord knows that I’m not either, but come on. Quit being a dick.

Oh, and I want my fucking sweatshirt back.

Yours,
Jayanne