An Open Letter To Bass-Ackward Kansas.

Dear Kansas, 

What the actual hell. I’ve never really heard of a state and immediately cringed in disgust, but then I heard of you. More specifically, I heard of that law you’re trying to pass. Y’know, the one where you’re trying to make it legal for a business to deny homosexual couples service based on your religious beliefs? And even people working for the state can deny gay customers service because of their religion? Yeah. That shit ain’t cute. That shit’s downright discriminatory.

Now, listen. I get that you love your big book, and that’s totally fine. Yeah, I’m an atheist, but am I gonna deny you service just because you’re a religious zealot? No. You’d probably call the cops on me in an instant. But that’s besides the point. You need to understand that my (hypothetical) partner and I, in no way, affect your religious convictions. Well, at least, we shouldn’t. If you’re a Christian, I do believe you’re supposed to “love thy neighbor as thyself, and there is no greater commandment than this”. That’s what Mark 12:31 says. Also, if I’m not mistaken, the First Constitutional Amendment states that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…” I’m just saying – you might want to double check your facts and look at the two defining documents of your belief systems.

It’s not just you, Kansas. Even the United States, with all our freedoms and abilities, is a bit of a hypocrite. How can we mock Russia for their anti-LGBT laws, when we ourselves aren’t even halfway towards equal rights in every state. There are still 29 states where you can be fired for being gay. Of course, you’re one of them, K-Dawg. You’re just rolling in that inequality. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to LGBT issues in America. Why are trans*-identified people constantly kicked out of their homes and abused, simply because their genetic make-up didn’t get the hint about their correct gender? Why are gay men still not allowed to give blood, simply due to their sexual preference? 

While I can’t place the full blame on you, Kansas, I’ve got to say – I’m pretty disgusted with your potential law, the politicians who’re moving it through the state government, and even the people who voted those politicians into power. You are the people who are on the wrong side of history. You are discriminating against love, against a man or woman’s pursuit of happiness, which is a constitutional right. By refusing service to these people, you allow for more toxic hate to fill this world. You ignore the basis of what this country was built on – that church and state should be two separate entities that shouldn’t affect each other. You ignore the basis for your Christian religion – that you should love the people around you, and not judge them, as God is the only one who can do so. You ignore the factual evidence that proves that homosexuality is not a choice, that we are actually born this way, that we do not choose to be tormented and bullied and belittled by people like you. Why would anyone choose a life of pain, of segregation, of less-than-human treatment?

Now, before I leave you and hope that you learn from this shameful bullshit, I have some solid advice for you. It was advice that I once shared with my old friend Colleen, that almost got me detention with my history teacher, until he read my note and laughed. This is what that note said:
“Religion is like a penis. It’s nice that you have one and all, but don’t whip it out in public, and don’t shove it down my throat.”

And with that, Kansas, I ask that you please get your head out of your ass and stop being a backwards idiot.

Sincerely yours,

Jayanne

A V-Day Guide for All The Single Ladies! (All the Single Ladies)

Valentine’s Day. V-Day, Galentine’s Day, Single Awareness Day – whatever you call it, it’s looming around the corner. To those of you who have a significant other to celebrate with, congratulations. I hope your day is magical and filled with love and sunshine and lots of great sex. (Ladies, if it’s not – call me.) However, this blog is not for you twitter-pated fools. This blog is for my fellow single ladies.

Now, ladies. I understand that this impending holiday might possibly be the worst of the year for some of you. I know this year, it’s going to be particularly rough for me. I’m a sucker for romance, and I whip out my A-game on Valentine’s Day. Flowers, cute handmade gifts, love letters, and sex for hours. I would’ve loved for nothing more than to have been curled up with a special someone, watching Moulin Rouge and singing along and acting like a dopey lovestruck child. I will not be doing this. Instead, I’ll be out, gettin’ my drank on and hoping that some beautiful woman will take pity on me and distract me with kisses. (Realistically, my chances of that happening are quite slim.)

However, for those of us who are dreading how single we’ll be this coming V-Day, there is still hope. First and foremost, we have each other. If you’ve got a group of friends who also happen to be single ladies (or single fellas, whichever works for you), gather them together and plan on spending the evening with each other. Whether that’s going out to the bars, staying in and eating chocolate mug cake, or going to your college’s production of The Vagina Monologues – which, by the way, is at Bowker Auditorium at UMass at 7pm this Friday and Saturday, and 3pm on Sunday – you need to make your own fun. Yes, the sight of happy couples may be revolting. But you also need to realize that your singleness, in no way, impacts the couples around you. 

If you’re a lone single lady in a herd of couples, this advice may be screaming in your face. You may be entirely aware of how difficult it is to stay happy, when you’re surrounded by love and you feel as though you’re getting none. On this Valentine’s Day, I charge you with the task of being your own girlfriend. You’ve always wanted to go to that cute little pasta place downtown? See if they’ve got a table for one available. You wanna take a nice bubble bath, with candles, and soothing music? Break out the bath bomb, and get all splish-splashy. Feeling in the mood to be seduced? You’ve got a couple options for this, my darling, and I highly recommend looking into each and every one of them. Take control of your Valentine’s Day, and make it the best possible night for you. And if one of your couple-friends asks you to play chauffeur to them all night, you should prooobably tell them you have a date. Don’t tell them who with – just don’t put yourself in a place where you’ll be hating your life all night.

For those of us fresh out of relationships, this holiday might sting a little more than usual. There may be a little more wine involved, and if left unchecked, that wine might lead to a heavy amount of regret in the morning. My advice to you, dear ladies, is simply this – do NOT talk to your ex on Valentine’s Day. That might be the most stupid thing you could do. It doesn’t matter why you were broken up with, or if you were the one who did the breaking up. It does not matter if they miss you, or if they really regret how things ended, or if they just want to tell you they love you one more time. If you still have feelings for your ex, it’s going to be damn hard not to talk to them. But you need to remember that they’re an ex for a reason. Things ended, and you can’t take that back. There could be a small chance that your ex is honest in their intentions, and does want to make things right by you. Valentine’s Day is NOT the day to do it. If that’s what they really want, they can wait until later.

If, for any reason, you find yourself feeling low on this coming Valentine’s Day, recognize the positives in the situation. Firstly, it’s only one day of the year. Yes, they’ve been building up to it since New Year’s Day, and I’ve personally seen enough Valentine’s Cards to never want to see another again, but once February 15th hits, it’s all over. The next silver lining is that you can go to whatever store you want and get all that love-themed candy for up to 75% off on the 15th. That allows you to get three times the chocolate for the same price, and I don’t know about you, but that’s an offer that I probably won’t be refusing. A third thing to look forward to is that while you may be single this year on Valentine’s Day, this won’t be the case forever. There will be someone who wants to spend every Valentine’s Day with you, but they just haven’t figured it out yet. Give ‘em a year to catch up, and who knows, maybe next year YOU’LL be getting the beautiful bouquet of roses instead of giving them. Chins up, ladies, and remember – you are composed of the same elements that diamonds and stars are made of. You deserve someone who’ll shower you in the former, and praise you as though you’re the latter. Refuse to settle for anything less.