Hey there, assholes.
So, you and I have never, ever, ever gotten along. From Pre-K through high school, you were the bane of my existence. You crippled me into a shell of a human being, made me hate every single day I had to see your face, so much so that I’d stop going to school just to avoid you. I figured that at some point, I would find a place where I belonged. A safe space, where no one would treat me as anything less than human. I longed to feel accepted and wanted, after constantly being denied that. Whether it was someone passing around a petition trying to get me booted from my hometown’s school system, or one of my “best friends” saying that everyone moved on without me while I was in an abusive relationship and I should stop trying to be their friend, I just couldn’t win.
By the time I was set to graduate high school, I figured I’d be done with you forever. I thought that the bullying stopped once I crossed the podium. Fun fact – it didn’t. The summer after graduation was one of the worst transition periods of my life. I was a mess, and not a single one of you cared. You just kept going. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed as time went on. Because really, at that point, nothing made me happier than to hear that the people who I thought were my friends were actually the ones talking about me behind my back. For fun.
So, I hid away for a couple of years, did my solo time at community college, and cut off ties with about 75% of my high school’s population. I did everything I could to distract myself from the real world, knowing that once I’d done my time, I would find the place where I belonged. Once I finally figured out how gay I really was and got to “real” college, I thought things would change. This is the land of adults, right? This is a place where it’s a safe space for everybody, and there’s a super inclusive LGBTQ community, and I’d fit right in! It didn’t matter that I’d just been through the worst break up of my life!
Again, I was wrong.
These past few months at university have been enlightening, to say the least. I thought that college was about growing, and finding yourself, and accepting others for who they are along the way. I branched out and found my own group of friends, and finally figured out what it felt like to be appreciated. I’m in a sorority for christ’s sake, and I only had two female friends in high school because girls didn’t like me. I thought things had turned around. I didn’t realize that, at “real” college, friendship was as conditional as it was in high school. I was mistaken in thinking that you could hide from the pain that a second abusive relationship could cause you. Instead, you get barred from “inclusive safe spaces” and are abandoned by friends who said from the get-go “You need friends here, and I’m gonna be that friend for you!” I didn’t think I’d have to deal with strangers saying I’m ruining their lives (when I don’t even know who they are), and random people stealing my favorite articles of clothing just to hurt me.
I came to this school hoping for a fresh start. Yes, I probably came here for the wrong reasons, but in coming here, I have developed some of the best relationships of my life. I have met people who have impacted me more deeply, and have given me amazing support – support I didn’t think other people were capable of giving. I have finally found a group of people who I love and cherish as if they were my family – and I am sitting here today, questioning whether or not I should give it all up, because of you.
I don’t understand why you do the cruel things you do. I didn’t understand it in kindergarten when you wouldn’t play with me. I didn’t understand it in second grade when you pushed me so hard into a desk I got the wind knocked out of me. I didn’t understand it when you threw a football at my face because you thought it was ugly, or when you asked me out on a dare and then told me no one would be stupid enough to date me, or when you called me a slut for losing my virginity far too early, or when you’d talk about me at cast parties after I’d left. I couldn’t wrap my head around any of it then. I still can’t, to this day, while I sit here crying over the loss of my favorite sweatshirt that my sister gave to me.
I never asked for a single thing that you’ve done to me. Realistically speaking, I just want you to leave me alone. All you’ve done is filled my life with stress, and drama, and mental illnesses, and the constant feeling that I’ll never be good enough. You are the reason why I never believe a single person when they tell me I’m beautiful, or talented, or smart, or funny. You are the reason why I would rather spend my days in bed, because I don’t want to run the risk of running into you and having yet another panic attack over your presence.
I am done with the pain. I am done with the heartbreak. I am done with the anxiety, the depression, and the dysmorphia you have caused me. I am so sick and tired of the power you think you hold over me, when really, you’re just a cruel, bitter child. There is no point in holding others down, and yet you insist on doing so even now, when we’re supposed to be turning into the adults that society needs us to be. How dare you think you’re better than I am, when we are nothing more than a combination of elements with cognitive thought processes. We are built of the same things. So climb off your high horse, pull your head out of your ass, and realize that this elitist bullshit is the reason why we have a 1% in this country. This bullshit is the reason why people are constantly scared to do anything outside of their comfort zone.
Please, for the love of all that is good – stop. It is time to let go of whatever bullshit superiority complex you’re holding onto, and accept the fact that you can’t treat people this way. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone – you just can’t treat everyone like shit as well. Learn politeness. Learn that your actions have consequences. Learn that you aren’t always right. Lord knows that I’m not either, but come on. Quit being a dick.
Oh, and I want my fucking sweatshirt back.
Yours,
Jayanne
The Lesbian Perspective 